Hurts to let go












For some reason It hurts for me to let go. do you ever feel that? Sometimes it seems miserable the harder i try to hold on to something or someone who purpose to go away since the beginning yeah the more i try to hold on the more it wants to get away. hahaha this is quite sad. if i just knew it in the first time, i wouldn’t even try.  and then i feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. i wish my feeling were wrong or it will makes me feel so small because you know what? it’s so hard to keep it inside, I’m  left so alone that i can’t explain.

Everything becomes so hard


Everything become so complicated

Trusting people is becoming hard

Keeping my grades up is becoming hard

Feeling pretty is becoming hard

Thinking happy thoughts is becoming hard

Doing work is becoming hard

Maintaining a friendship is becoming hard

Doing everything is becoming hard and I don’t like it

or is it just my pessimist thoughts? Why should everything turn out like this? how outrageous -_-

Are we just playing friends?




Friends? that one sentences that make me wonder and realize. do i have any true friends?

as i see nowadays friend is just like making friends because there is benefit or interest if just once lost interest. we’re also lost friendship anyway. is this kind of friendship nowadays?

since elementary school until high school, i don’t really care about friend whether i have many or not. i just let it be. i can get along with someone i don’t know before. Man that was a great moment.

but now since i step university or college, i like to choose friends. maybe that’s just naturally. as i know we’re making friends to take advantage, merit, if there is not benefit anymore. they just go away, they don’t even say “Hi” or “Hello” to you anymore. even if we meet each other sometimes they just keep pretending we’ve never met before. from stranger to stranger. that’s way too funny.

sometimes i think it’s better if from the start i don’t get along with them, if we already get along with them, the closer they are to you, the greater the pain when some of them leave you hanging, leave you behind and even don’t try to help you.  it’s kind of scary when something suddenly changes. especially when someone we know become somebody that we used to know.

that moment when they studied with us together, when they hang around with us, sharing each other, or even singing and playing together. i hate feeling when i admit someone’s as a friend but they don’t. it’s like one hand clapping.

recently i have this in mind ; ” Our Relationship aren’t just playing friends, right?” because i don’t want to be just playing friends. 

friends is not like a game when you want to play it, you come and then when suddenly you get bored, you just go away whenever you want.

i doubt i have any true friends, but who knows? time passed by i believe that i will find some, especially when siting around with them always remind with Allah. that’s some kind of relief and blessing.

You don’t need to make 100 friends. Just make real friends that you care about 100 times as much, Even if you only have one, so long as they’re a friend you really care about.

and accidentally i find this quote from Joquesse Eugenia and really fit my post haha 😀

I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations. If we don’t vibrate on the same frequency there’s just no reason for us to waste our time. I’d rather have no one and wait for substance than to not feel someone and fake the funk.

Smiling in pain

Aku no Hana - 01 -2

Lately i feel so messed up inside, i didn’t come to my campus happily. my friend felt so anxious. they said; what the hell is wrong with you, today? you don’t seem like usual, where the hell is your cheerful character going? but i said that i don’t want to talk about it . to tell them the truth actually i do, but i’m afraid of their reaction. i’m afraid that you will never see me as an equal again, i’m afraid of the pity in your eyes when you realize how screwed up i’am and sometimes i like wondering and mumbling inside. “damn why should they care? playing care, huh? with or without me there is no big difference, right?”

just suddenly my negative thoughts take over my mind, i didn’t know why but i wish i can escape from my feelings and thoughts. man it was just so hard, i feel like i’ve died inside. all of sudden i changed, the boy that once cared way too much about everyone and everything  no longer cared at all.

i guess all of us ever feel this feeling, Feels like your heart is going to burst anytime, but still no one seems to understand not at all. when your heart is crying loudly, trying hard to tell people how much you are hurting inside but you can’t, you just can’t. so in the end all we can do is smiling in pain …

something i hate


the reallity sure is harsh, for some reason i hate how things work like you know.

i just hate when people find it easier to done but they choose the harder one, okay maybe i’m stupid but what the hell is this, are they more stupid than me i don’t want to be dragged into their stupidness, they understand what they are doing is wrong but still they do it without regret, okay there is no shame doing wrong but you know shame is choose to stay wrong. and i hate it when someone claim that they do ten even though i know they just do one, i hate it when someone force me to do something troublesome and unwanted, and for remind us all the time about what they have given or done something good to us and comes up with an argument man “you really don’t appreciate what i’ve done to you last time, you are the worst.”

man beats me, i just feel like what the …. so you don’t do it sincerely? guess i can’t expect too much on anyone like this. so that’s why sometimes i hate nice people, it doesn’t mean like that. well yeah how to put it ummm …..

in my mind i often think like this for some reason i hate being helped, i hate being treated nicely. but when it comes to reality whenever someone helped me, i just can’t reject it then i feel like i owe to this guy.

i just can’t forget someone’s kindness so easily, the truth that i don’t want to owe anyone anything, i hate being in debt, i don’t know why but i do hate,  i just hate.

and i hate umm what they often call it a friend. but sometimes when it comes to hard situation they just sacrifice their friends like it’s nothing. you know? if you watcch naruto you are sure famous with this word “those who abandon their comrades are worse than scum”  it’s just like “herbivores” must abandon their comrades to avoid predators. some kind of joke right? but this is reality. we can’t deny it, jeez world sure is cruel but for some people who have good position, and have much money so they can do whatever they want with that money this world it’s like heaven but the opposite goes to believers, they think this world is a prison yet i think so.

this world is a prison, even though i’m not that pure and spiritual yet i admire it.

those who enjoy “youth” fit any event or their surroundings to their belief system of “youth” for self-confirmation. For example, those who enjoy “youth” believe lies, secrets, sins and failures are simply the beginning of what makes “youth” interesting. and i just imply that by following “youth”, one ignores the consequences of their actions. 

really i don’t know what i’ve written, how come it ended up like this, so out of topic and still my english is such a mess right? hahaha

i don’t know if u guys get an idea about what i’m talking and mumbling :3

but still, for many things i hate but also there is something i like such as when life gets hard i try to write 😀

Being Kind to others


We ever wonder about, how must we become a nice and kind to people if the reality they don’t, is it just wasting our time to people who doesn’t understand what we call kindness? or maybe some of us already be nice and kind to others but wait… sometimes world is so cruel. people that we expect to be nice to us sometimes just turn to become a heartless bastard. yeah like they’ve forgotten what we have done to them, the way they treat us different with the way we treat them, and in the end we just regret and say that; why yesterday i helped him/her or anything blablabla ~ and continue babbling “dammit that was all just for nothing, pointless, what a waste of time.”

that’s the problem, we don’t really understand what kindness trully is. so from now on let’s keep this in mind and no need to expect and wish too much if we’ve done, helped, and been kind to others so they will do the same things to us. if someday they pay back our kindness assume that it’s just bonus for us. so nobody get hurt.

okay honestly it is quite hard for me maybe for all of us to implement that in real life, sometimes it’s natural for us to be treated same as the way we treat them (Kindness).

Being good and kind to people not because we want them to treat us good back, but because Allah is kind and He likes kindness.

Jangan mau diatur pacar

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Teringat setiap dengar curhatan tentang orang pacaran suka lucu, orang pacaran itu aneh. sebenarnya ga cuman dengar curhatan orang  sih tapi langsung observasi tentang percintaan remaja jaman sekarang. *tiba-tiba gue merasa 10 tahun lebih tua dari umur sebenarnya*
Contoh sederhana aja ada Pria  suka ngelarang wanita, yang gue liat sekarang juga banyak Pria yang dilarang-larang ama wanitanya eh kalo gak nurut malah marah2. how pathetic men, you’re the leader and then just like that u obey her? how about ur mom? you dumba*s (Haha maaf suka kesal sendiri ngelihat cowok yang tipe gini, ini cowok polos, terlalu baik atau emang kebangetan) 😦

Kinda weird and funny ga sih? Padahal Pacaran belom ada ikatan hukum negara ( Agama ) , ngapain pake nurut segala. nggak dapat pahala, lucunya sama orang tua masih membantah tapi berubah patuh saat sama pacar *speechless -,-

Maksud ngelarang disini pun, ngelarang si Cewek/cowok buat berhubungan sama cewek/cowok lain -_- ( well way too lame i don’t want describe it further)

Kalo ada cowok/cewek yang ngelarang ceweknya buat dekat ama cowok/cewek lain >>cmon guys be brave just asusme that she/he is not worth enough such a hopeless, helpless person.

Logika sederhana aja kalo tu Cowok/Cewek banyak yang suka, kenapa mesti ngelarang? terlalu takut kehilangan atau apa? HAHA

kalau die beralasan “Maaf bray gue ngejaga karena gua sayang dan cinta ama dia ” » langsung  tampar bolak balek aja yang ngomong gitu  , kalo cinta ya nikahin, bukan pacarin.

Misalnya cewek lo suka keluyuran malam? suka ngelakuin hal-hal yang ga seharusnya seorang wanita lakuin. jujur banyak juga cewek bahkan teman sekelas gue yang merokok, suka ngomong kotor atau apalah. terus lo ngelarang supaya dia untuk tidak seperti itu, oh men she is quite mature to know the rule or limit, what she must do and not to do. Yah ga ada salahnya sih gue sebagai kawan ngingatin kea rah yang baik walaupun berakhir dengan respon yang tidak menyenangkan. Setidaknya gue udah ngingatin

yang lebih gelinya lagi misalnya si doi itu nanya, sayang aku boleh kan keluar malam nanti jam 11pm mau ke rumah temen ? yaudah sih gak perlu dijawab dan dilarang, itu yang ada di dalam kepala dia berfungsi kan? Masih pake nanya? Itu wajar atau engga buat seorang cewek tanpa mahram keluar rumah jam segitu? masih bisa bedain mana positif dan negatif?

Maaf mas saya gak pernah ngelarang-ngelarang pacar saya, toh kalo dilarang juga percuma. <<gue mencium banyak bau kebohongan dari kalimat ini 😀

Buat apa status pacar, kalau ternyata status pacar cuma buat membatasi kebebasan? Ada juga yang sampai membatasi hobby? Kesukaan kita terhadap sesuatu yang sebenarnya ga buruk buat kita? Buat apa pacaran, kalau ternyata bisa mesra dengan status teman. *eyaak bercanda bercanda hehe :3

yang jelas sekarang itu kayaknya Pacaran gak jauh beda sama supir / tukang ojek » Anter jemput » HAHAHA GUE OGAH BANGET KYK GINI, HARGA DIRIIH COOYY :p

Kalo gak jemput pacar, dibilang gak perhatian. Kalo jemput » kamu pacar / suruhan? HAHAHA *nyetel lagu raisa dulu – serba salah* lalalala ~ ~

Itu dari sisi jemput pacar, bodoh kan kalo mau ktmu aja harus jemput lebih lagi kalau mau jemput dari rumah lo ke rumah dia itu 20Km . enak kalau pake mobil. lah kalau yang pake motor? enak kalau ada jaket kalau yang engga? haha masuk angin brooh :p

Ya kalo si ceweknya mau ketemu, dia suruh dateng lah. Masa dia yang kangen,kita yang harus buang tenaga? ain’t nobody got time for that ~

mungkin kalian bertanya-tanya, kok gitu kali sih ama cewek? ya sesekali cobain aja kaya gitu, ngerasain jadi pria yang dikejar wanita. (Walaupun sebenarnya ga ada yang ngejar-ngejar gue) emang ga bosan ngejar terus? hahaha untung-untung di respon *kidding X) 

atau engga dengarin lagu The Changcuters gih yang judulnya pria idaman wanita kali-kali dapat inspirasi haha

Note :Maaf Tulisan ini tidak bermaksud merendahkan/menyinggung pihak manapun yah sama halnya tidak bermaksud membuat para cowok jadi malas buat ngejemput pacarnya HAHAHA :v

Instead ngejemput pacar bukannya lebih berpahala dan berbakti ngejemput orang tua kita dari tempat kerja (kalau orang tua berangkat kerja tidak memakai kendaraan pribadi) :))

 jadi lebih berharga sedikit lah kawan, patok harga tinggi. ini bukan soal rupa, ada hal yang lebih istimewa, berharga bahkan lebih mulia dari sebatas rupa :))

lol i forget to tell you about this, it’s not my experience so don’t get me wrong haha

finally i ended up writing this, because got very stressed against accounting, honestly i’m in the middle term of exam in my college, keep me in ur dua guys if u mind hehe still there is three days left start from now on for me. hope ca do as best as i can and get the best result :))

There is a beautiful meaning behind InshaAllah


Sometime I say inshaAllah kheir without actually thinking about it. Everything that Allah ta’ala blesses us with is indeed kheir. But when I really ponder over it, it has a deeper meaning.

So me and my friend, we both rushed to the classroom, we had about an hour or so till our exam started. We went through what we had learned and tried to explain it to each other. But suddenly I felt like I had forgot everything that I had learned, okay not everything, I remembered something, but not much. But still I thought inshaAllah kheir. I thought to myself only Allah could make this exam easy for me. So Allah, please make me remember when I am inside. So I walked into the classroom, and subhanAllah I remembered much more than I thought I would. It just came. This is just a small example.

The meaning behind this is that it is only Allah who can make things possible and easy for us. And only He knows what is best for us. Sometimes we think, oh why did I not make it?! But keep in mind there is a reason behind it. Maybe you doing it the second time – makes you more grateful than you would have been after making it at first. Maybe that you do it the second time causes you to spend more time reading to it than using time on other things. We may get irritated and sad about it. But there is a meaning behind it. There is actually a beautiful meaning behind it. We just can’t see it right then. Because Allah does things for a reason, and the reasons of Allah is the best of reasons. We human think just there and then, while Allah thinks longer. We have to inshaAllah always think that whatever happens is kheir. If you think like that, you will be succeed and the hope will rise, inshaAllah. 


Of course InshaAllah have a different meaning in the other ways like you know. nowadays people use and say InshaAllah just like that such as it just becomes a nicer way to say no for rejection , like example when your friend invite you to come to his house, when someone invite you to attend Islamic seminar or whatsoever. and when they say “could you please come to my house today?” or maybe “i’m count on you for our event tomorrow”, or “can you come earlier to campus today?” when suddenly people answer with InshaAllah it’s quite natural for us as a person to feel, and ended up wondering. what i’m supposed to guess? it’s a “No” or it’s a “Yes”?

yet for people who already know the meaning of InshaAllah you better use it righteous, don’t ended up making someone’s expectation goes high and getting confused from our answer. just simply say “No” with polite attitude if you can’t, and just say “Yes, InshaAllah I will”  if you absolutly can, and if you still got dilemma and distracted you can say “InshaAllah i will, if i can’t i will let you know and inform you later” Honestly this kind of things still happen in my real life. so i need to write this as a reminder for me. of course! let me know if my opinion and my less knowledge contradict with yours so we can discuss and i can get more knowledge from all of you.

this picture from Muslim Show can represents what i’ve written a little 😀


That’s the Worst feeling when


You might be looked down upon by those around you, be ridiculed, considered strange, feel left-out. You might feel misunderstood, having no friends, and nobody to talk with.

You might be constantly tested with trials in your health, wealth, and work/school. Perhaps it might seem as if the whole world is against you.

But keep strong, keep striving on the path of righteousness. Nobody said it was going to be easy, but remember this, they might be enjoying themselves now for some time, but you will have eternal enjoyment and they will have eternal torment.

What they have now might seem as a bag of diamonds to you, but in reality it is mere sand, and the diamonds, yes, they are actually in your hands.


well said because sometimes i just feel like that, i have no idea what’s going on inside my life, my mind, my heart. i just feel so miserable, distracted and feel like there is a mess inside my heart. but yeah Allah Knows best, i may’not lose hope, faith, He Always has a great planning over all. O Allah Fix My Heart because sometimes life gets harder, but i must take it as something to make me better and stronger and suddenly i remembered these awesome words.

Sometimes we become overtaken by sadness to the degree that we forget that there are many things in life that can make us happy- Mufti Ismail Menk

I don’t live in the past no more



I don’t live in the past anymore.

Don’t bring anything from that time anymore, please. It’s over. Finish!’
A familiar words and sentences, yet it’s full of meaning. I received this kind of message sometimes, asking for advices and helps.

For some people, they didn’t want to recall those sad or bad memories anymore. Perhaps they have tried long enough to forget and to get over it.

Struggling to wash away all those sins.

oh cmon guys don’t get them wrong, It’s not because they want to look good in the people’s eyes, but it’s only and only for the sake of their Almighty Lord. do you know what does it mean right? sometimes

Give them a chance, and help them…